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| Just another day that I can't seem to be able to care about 
Already got used to college life. Kind of scary, I expected it to be harder, but the hardest thing I had to worry about so far, was transportation and food. I guess freedom does come with a price, no one there to pick you up when you fall. It feels the same way when I used to go on vacations alone, minus the fun.
Did rather decently this semester... woot 3.93 GPA. Can't seem to become too excited about it though, lo' and behold, I'm a business major in a financially crippled society. Even the amount of internships available is on a decline. 
I returned to NY and everyone leaves....
Need to transfer out of Pace. The entire environment at Pace is nurturing. I know I should not be complaining, but it seems all too much surreal.
Six weeks until the dreaded February 14th. I loathe that day, I wish it never comes. Heh, just a little over a month until it officially becomes a year since I last dated. (with the exception of one slip up). I thought a relationship would make me happy... it didn't... I thought not being in a relationship would make me happy... it didn't... I thought casual dating would make me happy... it didn't.
Got a message on Christmas, asking if I wanted to try it all over again. I lied, replied with a "no." "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours." I would love to believe in that saying, but then again, should I really listen to a guy whose last name was "Willcocks." 
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| Trying to get a BA and MBA at the same time, then the CPA exam ... exhausted... just want sleep.
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| College is a blast, so much that I might be the next Virginia Tech Shooter in the making !! [Don't worry, I jest]
All things considered, college isn't so bad. With the exception of my macroeconomics professor's accent, all is pretty well. Course, my social life is dull as ever. Pretty much in the same boat as Kelvin, met a couple people, but all it really comes down to is the occasional "Hi." Ended up meeting someone who is theoretically "perfect" for me, went to the same school, majoring in the same thing, cute, chinese and just old enough to buy me alcohol(you can ignore the last one xD ) Sadly, there is no presence of the hackneyed "spark" or "chemistry." Im hoping that develops over time, sigh, though I doubt it will.
Deleted and lit her number on fire today (yes, that means I didnt even memorize her number. In my defense, I dont even know my own number off the top of my head ;_;) amazing how fast a few seconds of a burning piece of paper can radically shift your emotions from "Holy crap, life is good, I can finally move on, no more high school sweetheart for me" to "Holy shit, how do I put it out to keep the number intact." >.>
The truth is, I love her as a friend, and [i]possibly loved[/i] her as more than that, however in the end, all things fade, life, friendships, family, leaving the sad inevitable truth. 2563 miles, seems small on a digital message board, but that is how far she will be away from me. Ack, stupid San Francisco.
No more long term relationships for me, at least for awhile. I can take the pain, Im used to it, but hurting another person I care about, is something I will never let happen again. I still have a lot of unresolved issues I have to get over. First and foremost, I have to start trusting my friends more.
Long story short. In middle school, I lost one of my dearest friends and at the time, the person I cared about the most. Bleh, Lily probably knows about this story already, dont know if I told her or not, my memory fades, even if I didnt tell her, rumors probably spread anyways, dam grape vine >.<. I knew her since kindergarden, she was pretty much in every one of my classes up until middle school. Erica, was my best friend, the person I was able to confide with, through the thick and thin(can't get more cliched than that), the person who made me love being alive, [i]the person who kept me alive. [/i] Next thing I know, congratulations, Im royally screwed. Ended up with a fork stuck in the road and was forced to choose between my so called friends (no I will not name names) and her. I did nothing, stood there without choosing a path, and lost her. Since then, I vowed I would not let any one of my friends see who I date. I was afraid the past will perpetuate itself, and I will be stuck in the same situation again.
Lily saw her on the train when we were heading to Kelvin's house a year ago, what did I do ? I slouched down, hoping she wouldn't notice me. Fritz saw a pic of my ex kissing me, what did I do ? I deleted the pic the next day.
Heh, I know I should have more confidence in my friends. I know the friends I have now are different from those in middle school, but Im still reluctant. Until I get past that, long term relationships are off, it is no longer an option.
So to surmise, a couple of my friends are moving away, social life in college is mediocre at best, and all serious relationships is not an option. [Sarcasm]Man I love life[/sarcasm]
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| Heh, Im finally broke, at least temporarily >.<
Ended up finding a decent 2 family house in New Jersey, so money is in escrow. Heh, yup Kelvin, its a foreclosure, so lots of work to do.
Im expecting closing sometime around mid september, then I got to get a certificate of occupancy, fire cert., contact a plumber, electrician, contractor, and then mortgage payments. @_@
Afterwards, got to find an agent to list the place.
So yeah, going to have to put myself on a budget for once o.o''
I'm going to end up staying in NJ with a family member until everything is done.
Sigh, I nearly forgot how tiring and time consuming flipping was.
Can't turn back now, only move forward .... | | |
| Thats how long its been since I knew who I am, or rather, who I was.
Looking back at it all, I regret it. I realized I moved away for financial security, and I also realize it was not worth it. I've moved so many times, I have lost track, was it 6 ? 8 times ? All for the sake of the all mighty dollar. I've become so materialistic, when I look at old photographs of before I moved, half the people from midwood, I cant even remember, middle school has become basically a blur, I only remember Greg, Lily and a couple other people, and kept in contact with only one of them.
In the end it seems as though I just continually perpetuate a cycle; looking to move to NJ now, why ? because Im as greedy as ever.
Sigh, I would give it all up if I could return to who I was a few years back... the careful kid who didnt worry about finance, yet somehow still seem to make it. I wasnt rich, but I was truly happy. Memories like the time when I went to Prospect Park with a friend, and watched her toss a lighted object at a dragonfly **cough cough** those are the memories I truly value.
Since I moved to FL I could honestly say, I only met 2 people I truly consider to be friends, and I dont even keep in contact with them since the end of HS. I tossed it all away; killed my social life to spend time trading stocks, analyzing projected quarterly reports, trading foreign currencies, hell, even bought and resold a few houses for profit. But what have I ended up with is just a digital imprint of money in the bank, and lost almost everything else.
I've held on to you know who, for around 3 years, and now it makes me wonder if I ever even loved her, or if I just loved the ideal of being with one of the few connections to my past. We broke up so many times, I have literally lost count, and most of the time, it was me who kept coming back for more agony.
My faith in Christianity dwindled away, from faithful to agnostic, to atheistic.
I rarely drive, I cant seem to remain in the car for long, the same car that was bought with money earned by killing who I am.
Im sick of it all...
No matter how hard I try I cant return to who I was. Only thing left for me is this so called life. Last option- revitalize the greedy driven creature in me, and continue flipping foreclosures, just profiting off the misfortunes of others....
Sorry former me, I tried, but I cant return....
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